Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.