Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.