Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…