Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Has science gone too far?

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

The asteroid..

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?