Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

I’m being attacked 😭

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

and now we wait

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.