[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Good Morning.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.