Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

TODAY

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?