[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
put ‘er there pardner!
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer