Labreador
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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school