Labreador
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Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Oh, I bet you would be
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
respect
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“you changed” bro i was 15
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.