Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
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It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
*sewing*
A thread
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.