Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
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My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
