Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold