Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Great acting.. 😂
some Old Testament wisdom
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
What a website
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.