Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?