Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Finally, a door that understands me
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut