Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.