Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.