Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.