ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.