ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”