For the hoe on the go
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]
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Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out
hitman: is this ur garbage
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.
Satellite tv installer: How bad?
Dads: REALLY bad
Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough