I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Love it! 👍😂
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Shark week, but for squirrels.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.