eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune