Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#oldknees

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.