Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.