@Mr_Kapowski

Ladies, don’t be sad if your thighs begin to start touching

You’re becoming a mermaid!

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@TheAndrewNadeau

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

@JawnClimax

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

@MUMSIEesq

The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.

@RandiLawson

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

@IntrepidDeviant

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

@leyawn

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

@nachosarah

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

@Darlainky

[Halloween party]

Him: What are you?

Me: An introvert.

Him: I don’t get it. It just looks like normal clothes.

Me: *already went home*

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

@AmericanGent69

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.