@Mr_Kapowski

Ladies, don’t be sad if your thighs begin to start touching

You’re becoming a mermaid!

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@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

@TrolleyCat

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

@ArfMeasures

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

@garrettbarry70

Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress.

Me. Sure *Snip* There you go.

Wife. Thanks.

Me. No problem.

*Kicks pony tail under bed.

@msdanifernandez

Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

@ThugRaccoons

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

@lovemydogduck

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

@69underachiever

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

@meganamram

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”