I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.