[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
A bold strategy
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.