Ladies, don’t date him just because his dad has a yacht.
Date the dad.

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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef


Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.


5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He’ll be sad that I abandoned them!

Me: Want to call him & apologize?

5: You don’t have his phone number.


wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now


Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No


Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.


Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.


ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work


Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.