Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

But is it really??

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”