Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?