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Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.