Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
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If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.