Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things