Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

We’ve all been there…

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

water it, i dare you

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.