Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur