Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
You Might Also Like
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges