Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
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Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My dog ate my work from home.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…