Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.