Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*