Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Ok, but like, how married are you?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.