Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
