Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
When someone says you are so lazy
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
cats when you pet them too long:
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
