Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

This is my emotional support knife.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’