ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.