ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
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No one: I can hear screaming
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.