ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
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Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
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wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
How do you like your Corgi?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
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