Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you