Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“