ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
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[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
they really do be looking like this
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?