ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
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My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Meow?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.