Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
adam and eve had first world problems
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Frankenstein?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.