Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
This trial is so absurd 😭
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets