Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
me after eating Cheetos
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Morning all.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.