Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
