Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
LOL!
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.