Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

money maker

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Thoughts

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me