Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy