Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.