Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
