Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.