Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
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My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
The best plant holders?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?