Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

October 31

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.