Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”