Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Me trying to look natural in photos

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?