Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

This made me chuckle cuz mood

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.