Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
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Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.