Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.