Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

wut hotdog?

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway