Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

😭😭😭

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

So that’s what we looked like?

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

me, after any kind of buffet.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

hey, alexa

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*