Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

@jilleb163

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

@threetimedaddy

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

@rolldiggity

Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!

@LuvPug

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

@ei8htiesbaby

Chalant isn’t even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.

@TheHyyyype

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

@PaperWash

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

@krisv_723

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.