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@thomaspluck

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@TheCatWhisprer

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

@HousewifeOfHell

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

@Holy_Mowgli

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

@AllieA

On my first day of college my dad’s only advice was “don’t date any of your teachers!” Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

@Faungirl123

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

@imabbylouise

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

@BYGH

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me