Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
No. YOU-buprofen.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs