Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese