Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

What the dentist sees

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

what do you want!!!!!!!!